a light in the darkness

As a preface, I have really vivid dreams that I remember pretty much every night. Within the last six months or so, however, I’ve gone through periods of “dark” dreams. What I mean by this is that my dreams are so twisted and scary that I feel like satan is in them. They often play on the death or loss of someone or something that’s close to me, and it’s not like I can control my dreams and make it go away. I’ve gone through periods where it has gotten to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep because of it, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to pray over my dreams. I usually don’t talk about it because I feel like if I talk about darkness, it’s more present in my life.

Last night, though, it was the first time ever that it was different. I’m really just writing this so I can read it and remember God’s awesomeness later.

I woke up several times in the middle of the night tossing around, and each time I fell back asleep I had a different dream. In one of the dreams, everything was grey, and I walked into a creaky, creepy, old, wooden house to visit my mom, who taught in a private school for young girls in the house. I remember feeling desperate to save her. There were really awful animals in cages and tanks around me, watching me walk around. The girls secretly participated in some kind of satanic witchcraft, and they eyed me because they knew I wasn’t like them. It seriously reminded me of a horror movie. In another dream, I went with some people I knew in the dream to eat at a restaurant kinda like Moe’s. As I approached the food line, I realized that the food was cannibalistic. I looked to my left, and there were children dancing and turning into animals like snakes and oxen and bears as they jumped around. 

But in both of these dreams and one or two others I had last night, I knew I didn’t belong. I was afraid, but I wasn’t consumed. In fact, I was less afraid because I realized that I no longer fit into the story I was in. In all of my dark dreams in the past, I’ve woken up bothered, afraid, and often crying. But this morning, I was so joyous! For the first time in my life, I was unafraid of the darkness in my dreams! I knew I didn’t belong! I am a child of God!

Brothers and sisters- the maybe one person who’s reading this- this is just another example of God’s complete providence. If you are a beloved child of God and you believe and feel that God has chosen you to be His by His grace, you have been ultimately saved from the wrath and dominion of satan himself. The enemy has been defeated! 

We do not belong here. I think the reason my dreams just now changed is because I actually became a Christian. I actually have begun understanding the gospel in such a way that I have wept over the existence of sin and pride and shortcomings and had a complete and on fire desire to read the Word. Because of God, my prayer life has quadrupled. It’s like, my favorite thing to do. I’ve come to live like I love Jesus and not just say it. I want to give up my comfort and friends and family and money not because the Bible tells me I have to, but because I want to. My heart has wrapped so immensely around His treasure that the temptations and pain and sinfulness of this world have become trivial and small compared to JESUS! He is so, so good! Nothing else matters! But because of these things- because God has chosen me- I have come to the understanding that the world will hate me if I’m truly living for Him. And I have, for the first time in my life, been living it. If you’re not being persecuted and if you don’t stick out, you’re not doing enough. If the world agrees with everything you say, you are of the world, and not of God. My dreams showed me that I am not of this world. I am not of satan. I am being called to something greater and am finally, finally, realizing what that means and following it. Thank You, God! Thank You for showing me how much I need You and how insufficient I am. Thank You for bringing such joy and excitement to me in following You through the deepest darkness and for allowing me- the least of these- to be a light for You.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. 

John 15:18-21

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

Matthew 5:10

“But before all this, they will seize you and persecute you. They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. And so you will bear testimony to me. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. Everyone will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. Stand firm, and you will win life.

Luke 21:12-19