London
(the on-our-own, pre-tour-group part of the trip)

There isn't much to say about London except that it makes me feel really behind. The traffic is fast and terrifying, the people are stiff (yet for the most part very kind), and the fashion is just hard to describe. the Tube (subway) is always packed and bustling and the wind complicates using a map. The buildings are so beautiful, though, and it's an unbelievable learning experience. I think we walk about ten miles a day and my whole body hurts, but we have seen all the best things of London. :) Most of everything will be explained in my pictures on Facebook, except for that one story about how I made an outlet pop loudly from plugging in a straightener and the French girl in the bed across from me cuss a lot and laugh as I ran the smoking converter box to the outside curb to cool off, which was later stolen before I could take a picture. (Seriously? Who would steal a little smoking black box?)

What I find most interesting is where we are staying- the Clink Hostel. Our hostel feels like an old boarding house. It has long, twisting, broken, wooden halls with creaky bedroom doors around every corner. The delapidated walls have been repainted over the decades and are now bright colors that make me feel like I'm on acid in the 70's. The dirty pub downstairs is very popular for residents at night, and breakfast in the basement is confusing and crammed and they only serve toast and plain cereal. I need to learn how to say "excuse me" in at least five languages. I share a high-celinged, rectangular room with 13 other people (including Lindsey), most of which who know around four languages, have awesome accents from who knows where, and are all fluent in curse words. Our beds are literally stacked metal cages, and each person is given one sheet, a heavy comforter, and one small pillow by the hippies that work at the front desk. I not only sleep bunk-to-bunk with and inches away from both sexes of travelers, but I live with them. I learn from, walk miles and miles of the city with, and spend hours talking to these random teenagers and college-age kids from places like New Zealand, Iceland, Austria, Germany, Ecuador, and Canada that literally don't have a single thing in common with me. Some are here to backpack to a destination, some are here to take advantage of the low drinking age, and some are here in order to not be somewhere else. The sound of my drunk roommates stumbling in keeps me up late, the city hum outside of the open windows and the guy snoring next to me is loud, and the students here for summer work set alarms that wake me up early. Everyone knows you should keep your luggage locked, your valuables either with you or in the lockable metal box above your head, and your eyes and ears open.

But let me tell you, everyone sleeps harder in a hostel than anywhere else. 

Despite my hostel's sketchiness, I can't help but see every place I go as a God-given opportunity. I have learned some "flesh"
new trendy words, improved my
German, been told that I have a Southern twang, realized that I am
a pretty accepting Christian, (topic for another day) lost some fear of asking some hard questions, seen from points of view I would never have thought of otherwise because of that, lost stability in some of my opinions because of that, and have been shook by the thought that all of these people live in my little world and could be going to hell. Not one of the foreigners I spend a great deal of time with do not ask me if I am religious. I say yes and fidget with my cross earrings, and later do a quiet time on my bunk before going to sleep. at dinner with them, I pray over my food. I see a guy reading his Bible at breakfast one morning and initiate a conversation with him about it. But is that enough? No, not even close. I am terrified to bring God up to them. I've never tried to evangelize to people who look completely awestruck and freak out when you tell them you happily go to church every week back home. Then God shows me this as I randomly flip through the Bible:

Jeremiah 1:4-8

God chose me to fearlessly speak HIS words. I may have missed my opportunity here because all of my new friends are leaving soon, but it's only been two days...

Paris, anyone?

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

“Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD.”

Psalm 27:14

   I knew I needed to write another blog post sooner or later. I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out what to write about. I thought about the summer ahead of me, about golf- how I love it or what my life would’ve been like if I played in college- and its awesomeness, about my dad’s lunchtime talks with me about world politics, about the blessings in my life I call my friends. I probably could write a lot about what each of those things have taught me. But as I was on the golf course, it finally hit me that pretty much everything going on in my life right now has to do with waiting on God. I’m waiting for my trip to Europe to get here, to study abroad next year, to move in with my awesome future roomies, to get better at guitar, to graduate, to have a future family, to get a job, to grow up. I’ve even decided to take a year off of dating and “talking to” guys for a year, which I’ve never done before. I wrote a contract. Basically, I’m learning how to surrender to God in waiting for Him. I thought I’d try to figure out how to talk my leader-type personality into taking the back seat, considering waiting on God is obviously something I need to know how to do. None of this is a revelation or anything, but just what I’ve been trying to focus on lately.

   The Bible is loaded with scripture about waiting on God. From what I’ve read, He is the God of providence, salvation, and blessings. We wait on Him for mercy, guidance, fulfillment of His promises and Word, and the coming of Christ. Waiting on Him is good, and He calls us to do it. It should be from the heart, with an earnest desire for His will to be done, with complete resignation, with undeniable hope and confidence, continual, every day, all day, and stronger in adversity. Waiting takes patience. Those who wait on God wait on Him only, are heard, are blessed, experience His goodness, should not be ashamed, have their strength renewed, inherit the earth, are saved, and rejoice for eternity. Waiting on Him was best exemplified by David, Hannah, Isaiah, Micah, Jacob, and Joseph. (Basically... I don’t know why people say God doesn’t speak. The Bible can answer any question if you just read it.)

   At some point, everyone waits. Our lives don’t come close to running on our own schedules, and God has a master plan that is far too great for any of us to even begin to comprehend, replicate, or improve. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Ecclesiastes 3:1-11:

“There is a time for everything, 

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

   Our ability to wait on the Lord is dependent only on confidently expecting and focusing on who God is, on what God is doing, and on what God has done. We can only get ourselves to wait on Him if we have confidence in His character, wisdom, love, timing, and understanding of your situation and of the world. We have to know and trust in His principles, promises, purposes, and power. Waiting involves an expectation and anticipation of something special. Psalm 105 talks about what God has done and His promises of what He will do.

   In this verse, it’s like we are the watchmen that wait for the morning that always comes. Why would they question the sun rising?

“I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
   and in his word I put my hope. 

I wait for the Lord
   more than watchmen wait for the morning,
   more than watchmen wait for the morning.”

Psalm 130:5-6

   Our attitudes in waiting are based on our contentment with our portions and how we control our appetites. There is not a moment of my life that I don’t want something I don’t or can’t have. I want all of those things I mentioned above to go ahead and happen more and more every day, and sometimes it seems like time is slowing down. How do I handle stifling my earthly desires while I wait on God? How do I act?

   My friend Erin talked about contentment once. It’s like her forte in terms of Christian topics to give counsel on, and that’s saying a lot because she is super wise. She said people are discontent when they think, “if I only had this, I’d be happier,” or “if this were different, everything would be better.” Erin explained that we are called to contentment in our circumstances (1 Timothy 6:15), identities (Psalm 139:13-16), roles (Ephesians 2:8-10), and relationships (Ephesians 4:3), and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these are also the things we wait on God to change. She said that a faulty focus is the root of discontentment, and that looks like greed and anxiety in daily life. According to Erin (that should be the name of an advice column), there are five practical ways to be content:

1. Never complain about anything.
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or anywhere else.
3. Never compare your portion with someone else’s.
4. Never allow yourself to regret.
5. Never dwell on tomorrow.

“LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;

   you have made my lot secure.”

Psalm 16:5

“Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.”

Psalm 37:7

   At Passion last year, Andy Stanley (love him) spoke on appetites. The main clause of his sermon was that our appetites with either rule us, or we will rule them. He mentioned these main points:

• God created appetites, sin distorted them. They aren’t bad, but broken.
• Our appetites are never ever ever fully satisfied.
• Our appetites always whisper “now” and never “later.”
• Our responses to our appetites determine if we fulfill God’s will.

   The scripture Andy focused on was in Genesis 25, a story of Jacob and Esau. Just as Esau sold Jacob his birthright for a bowl of stew, we always give up our potential for our addictions. Esau later despised the stew and Jacob because he gave up his birthright. This is just like how if we don’t control our appetites, the consequences will make us bitter towards God’s will. We are called to “refrain and reframe.” I think this applies to waiting on God because my appetites are always what ruin my attempts to follow His will. I know that God calls me to listen for His calling, but instead I tend to settle for the immediate, submitting to my appetite for control, job completion, and lack of conflict. I have appetites for success, approval, progress, love, and responsibility, too, and my tendency to try and figure those things out by myself keeps me from waiting to see what God has in store for me.

“But they soon forgot what he had done
   and did not wait for his plan to unfold. 

In the desert they gave in to their craving;
   in the wilderness they put God to the test.
So he gave them what they asked for,
   but sent a wasting disease among them.”

Psalm 106:13-15

   The actions we take while we are waiting on God involve humbly seeking His will, faithfully disregarding our will, and openly listening to what He has to say. We have to be careful in waiting not to become lazy or controlling, bitter or complacent, distracted or selfish. Waiting on God is just what it says. We aren’t called to just wait for things to get better for our own sake or to take the easy way out by not worrying about anything- we are called to wait on Him when He tells us we need to (which is pretty much always), and to say, “God, this time is something important to me, but I’m going to let you take control of it and trust you with its outcome as I wholeheartedly seek You during it.”

“I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.’

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.”

Lamentations 3:24-25

   God rewards those who love Him, and does big things for the people who do big things for HIm. I think it’s super exciting to think about the consequences of waiting for God. In the midst of this season of waiting on so many things in my life, Andy Stanley is doing a message called “The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating.” It is amazing to me that the day after I wrote that contract I mentioned earlier, Andy challenged the singles in the entire church to take a year off of dating. (Again, “coincidence is evidence of God’s providence.”) He later read a letter to the audience that was written to him by a girl who took that challenge when he gave it years ago. I was really moved by the faithfulness God showed her when she showed it to Him. Those who wait on the Lord become strong, and waiting isn’t so bad when you think about how you’re putting your life into the hands of a controller Who loves you more than even you ever could.

“But now, Lord, what do I look for?
   My hope is in you.”

Psalm 39:7

“However, as it is written:

   ‘What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived’
   the things God has prepared for those who love him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

“Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:28-31

Patience with God is hope.

God's love

I think I should clarify what “agape” means. Here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia:

The term agape is rarely used in ancient manuscripts, but was used by the early Christians to refer to the self-sacrificing love of God for humanity, which they were committed to reciprocating and practicing towards God and among one another. When 1 John 4:8 says "God is love," the Greek New Testament uses the word agape to describe God's love.

Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, used agape to describe what he believed was the highest level of love known to humanity—a selfless love, a love that was passionately committed to the well-being of the other.

The Christian usage of the term agape comes almost directly from the canonical Gospels' accounts of the teachings of Jesus. When asked what was the greatest commandment, Jesus said, "'Love (agape) the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love (agape) your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:37-40)

In the King James Version of the New Testament, the word agape is translated "charity" which has a contemporary connotation of "giving to meet needs of the less fortunate.”

God’s love was something I focused on for months this spring. A lot of that was sparked as I was eating alone on the night of Valentine's Day and felt so overwhelmed with God's love and was so happy that I cried tears of joy. It seems like there are a billion directions this post could go... I mean, it’s kind of hard to explain something infinite. I compare God’s love to the universe. The human mind is not physically capable of understanding the true size of the universe, or the concept of time. Scientists say the universe is expanding, but what is it expanding into? What was there before the beginning of time? It seems like every time I ask myself these questions my brain shuts off like it did in every Accounting class I had this year. Even if you simply Google “God’s love” and read other blogs and articles on it, they all seem scattered. How do you keep track of and define something that’s too big to understand?

I think the reason I focus so much on God’s love is because it’s always obvious if you’re willing to look for it. It’s always beneficial. Every time I’m on a “God high” or something like that, it’s like a snowball effect: something good happens, I thank God, I see God more, it seems like more good things happen. I see it easily in the things that I love: my parents, my friends, my dog, golf courses, the lake, puppies, success, missions, happy people, worship.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

The problem is, if love is God and God is everywhere, why don’t I see His love for me everywhere? I’ve come to the realization that every trial I face- conflict with friends, feeling alone, being defeated by school, failed relationships- all make me feel unloved, not good enough. I screw up. I think I’m always right. I hurt people. I let myself get hurt. I’m not a good enough friend. I’m not smart enough. I’m not attractive enough. I keep making mistakes, over and over and over. Where can I find God’s love for me in all of that? How can something so big seem so invisible at times?

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Maybe these are actually the things God’s love is shown through the most. Sin was what He sent His only Son to die for. Christ's death was the number one way God shows us His love- it’s how He shows us Himself.

A song some friends and I have recently listened to a lot with says this:

“Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise”

I think that says it all.

So, this is why “agape” is the name of my blog. God’s love encompasses everything and every part of Christianity, which is every part of me. No matter the kind of day I’m having, where I go, who I’m with- whether it be incredible or heartbreaking- it’s all Him. There is nothing I could possibly write on here or experience that could ever stray from something to do with God’s love for me. Without God’s love, who would I be? If He didn’t love us, Who would He be? 

(Right as I was typing this, the songs “Our God is Love” by Hillsong and “Sometimes” by David Crowder Band came on my iPod. Coincidence is evidence of God’s providence.) 

my first post... better late than never

I have been meaning to start a blog for a while... I mean I have to be trendy right? I hope to keep it up over the summer, especially when I'm traveling. It seems like I never have time to write, but sometimes I have an overwhelming desire to, and I usually type it. I guess this is me finding a way to keep up with it all. I have a large stack of Word documents piling up. Here's something I wrote a few days ago. I hope it brings you closer to God.

THERE IS A GOD--

A GOD Who is made strong in our weaknesses, for He is the omnipotent and EVERLASTING FATHER, and because the purpose He gives to us- the brilliant mission of praising and lifting His NAME, the desire of our hearts- we know is unquestionable because we cannot help but have faith in what we cannot see and revel in the unfathomable GRACE He gives to us through a compass and a portion that none can deny in His one and only, constant, merciful, perfect, SON--

A SON Whose remarkable anthem is so eloquently yet piercingly told in a WORD that is the sharpest of any double-edged sword. He was a LAMB- sacrificed and humiliated in every way to destroy the power of hell and tear down its walls so that the consequences of our actions would achieve for us an eternal glory that far outweighs any tribulation or trial, all of which He calls us to consider joy. It was He Who upon a cross He carried was crucified, so that in the aftermath of His magnificent death and resurrection we may live forever blameless and so that our mistakes may not become our own selfish guilt, but be made worthy in that every fellow, beloved child of GOD would look upon them and see them as a radiant mirror that reflects the compassionate forgiveness of CHRIST and that lifts their gazes upward to nothing more or less than the flawless face of a beautiful SAVIOR--

A SAVIOR Who sits upon a throne in the highest place of such blinding righteousness that even the saints are deemed undeserving of catching a mere glimpse of it. It is He alone Who floods our restless souls with closure and firmly repays our debts with the truth that the redemption of our sins themselves are our invitations into His holy realm through a divine intervention into the very fiber of our beings by a captivating HOLY SPIRIT--

A SPIRIT that, if understood, simply would not be big enough, and is far too almighty and altruistic to allow us, as Christ’s co-heirs, to ever, ever, in all of time, escape the gloriously freeing chains of HIS MAJESTY or to venture outside of the loving and unbreakable embrace of the one, true GOD.

“Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang:

‘Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,

to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength

and honor and glory and praise!’”

Revelation 5:11-12