when the levee breaks

I never write poems... ever. Poetry bores me. But my English class is doing a reading Monday, and I thought it would be an opportunity to talk about God. My professor said most poets start with an idea for the first line and don't know where they're going from there. That's what happened here. For some reason I thought of a drop of water. And here is goes...






It was just a trickle. A drop.

A small sacrifice compared 

to what was being held back.

The man who takes false ownership 

of the water bowing the dam,

fruitlessly trying to control it 

with his concrete, human hands, 

never wants to stop pushing. He thinks 

searching and scrambling and running 

to “save” it all is his job. Selfish doubt blurs 

the fact that it’s not. 

Instead, his earthly portion 

is meant to wash away with 

the water when the Operator 

commands the dam to break. 

A flood is not the man’s to prevent, 

but to allow in good faith. Designed 

to be surrendered, his abilities and 

desires aren’t strong enough 

to stand the rush of millions 

of gallons of water alone.

Whose could be?

So, the wall holder cannot help 

but obey the Operator- 

he ultimately has no choice. 

The dam releases, 

and after being cast by the waves for a while, 

he sees that the floodgates are built of gold 

and left wide open. And over time, 

once the water has all flowed by, 

they serve as an entryway into 

another world- a world comprised 

of new, beautiful, everlasting springs

in which the man was created to swim 

in the first place.

His perfect job, in his place.

And the Operator smiles.

He never wanted to drown 

His faithful worker. 

When it rains, it pours.

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty. 

Malachi 3:10-12

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

Philippians 3:7-9

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

Revelation 21:1-7

My thankful list

GRACE:

With me. My futility. My sin. My lust. My doubt. My weakness. My impatience. My unfaithfulness. My comparison. My discontent. How He lets me have it on others. His unconditional love tied to it. For His glory.

THE SPIRIT: 

Its inexplicable presence. The joy it brings in the worst times. Living in me to pull me to Him. For His glory.

THE WORD: 

Its wisdom. Its truth. Its power. Its width. Its constance. For His glory.

MY FRIENDS: 

Constant inspiration. Accountability partners. Soundboards. Encouragers. Lovers. Challengers. Teachers. Learners. Listeners. God followers and seekers. Prayers. For His glory.

MY FAMILY: 

They love me so much, even when I really don’t deserve it. They forgive me. They provide for me. They test me. They set my standards high and push me. They know God. For His glory.

PRAYER: 

I can always talk to the God of the universe. I have an open door to not only ask of but listen to He Who knows, created, and loves all things with ultimate wisdom. For His glory.

HIS CHURCH: 

The thousands of them. Navs, my church. No, His church. Discipleship. A place to grow deeper, independently and supported. For His glory.

MY PAST: 

Where to begin? Grace displayed. Falling forced me to rise. Mistakes changed everything. God’s wrath celebrated His power, and His goodness revealed His unfailing love. Created my present and future and eternal reliance on Him. Gave me things to teach. For His glory.

MY PRESENT: 

Rejoicing in His presence. Always. Waiting for Heaven. Utilizing limbo, and learning that nothing is limbo. It’s all purposeful. Georgia Tech, my challenger. A sea of opportunities so many will never have. Non-believers to reach and believers to worship with. My starting point. Struggle. Breathing. Faith. Deliberate preparation and growth and change. Giving it all to Him, so slowly but so surely. For His glory.

MY FUTURE: 

He’s always faithful. Seeing the fruit of my sacrifice. Being humbled by knowing His is infinitely greater. Walking with Him. Learning from Him. Being used by Him. Following Him. Trusting Him. For His glory.

HIS PLAN (HOPE): 

Never shaken. Perfect. Caring. Impossible to change. Is the most awesome. Better than mine. Most glorifying to Him. For His glory.

RELATIONSHIP: 

With Him. I can know the Most Holy One. And He knows me. I am His daughter. He is my Father and loves me like it. Patient. Guiding. Loving. Providing. Protecting. Personal. So intimate that He knows every fiber of my being. Both the number of hairs on my head and stars in the sky. Power and gentleness. Thought before I think it, dream, sin, temptation. All-perfect. All-healing. All-knowing. Around, through, in, and over me. Everywhere and everything I am is from and of Him. For His glory.

HIS TEMPLE: 

Health and a desire to keep it. I am a temple of His Spirit. Unharmed by disease or sickness or death. I am alive. He chose me to live. For His glory.

THE WORLD & HIS PEOPLE: 

Beauty. All beauty. Trees, leaves, grass, mountains, waters, beaches, plains, valleys. Animals. Humans. Civilizations, generations, populations, peoples. Leaders and followers. Perfect design. All created to work seamlessly together. Brilliant. For His glory.

BALANCE: 

Seeing good in bad. Appreciating life from death. Seeking peace through confusion. A future better than the past. Seeing Him in it all. For His glory.

HEAVEN: 

Hope. God. Eternity. My greatest desire to serve Him forever, in His presence, bowed before Him in worship and surrender. Nothing held back. The way things should be. Until after the end of time. For His glory.

The fact that none of this is actually mine, but His.

For His glory.

"You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name"

Tonight as I was driving home from the Martin’s house, I felt an irresistible need to pull over and look up at the stars. Living in Atlanta has made me seriously miss the mountain life- clean air, beautiful greenery, hills on the skyline, and a sky clear enough to reveal a blanket of thousands of little white dots above me.

The stars movingly reminded of how little I am, but more importantly of how big God is. All of the little things that pull me up and down and up and down every day, all of the sin and temptation that I constantly battle and become so uncontrollably upset and frustrated with, all of my loss, all of my gain, all of my pride, all of my worry, all of my confusion, all of my regret... is... futile. It barely covers the smallest speck in God’s hand. 

[Romans 8:20-21]

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

God really doesn’t need me for anything. All of the things I choose to fight or give up in His Name (which I’ve done a lot of and struggled plenty with lately) aren’t for HIS GOOD. They’re for HIS GLORY. It seems like I’ve come to this conclusion before, but never so wholly. It’s not like God needs the things I’m giving Him for Himself, whether sacrifice or the pursuit of Him in my life. I cannot boast in seeking His face because God is YAHWEH. He is self-sufficient and I can neither add to nor take form anything Him. He needs my life to further His kingdom on the earth, not to add worth to Who He is. He’s already complete.

[Psalm 50:12]

If I were hungry I would not tell you,
   for the world is mine, and all that is in it.

What’s even more powerful is that He gives me the grace to carry out His will here. I always get so wrapped up in my own little world and all my problems that I tend to forget how eternal and infinite He is. Sometimes I spiral downward into a pit of self-hatred caused by being completely disgusted by my own sinfulness. How can I wrong a God that is so good? That I know and trust truly IS everything? How can I deny that every single day? But I’m drowning in grace. Completely drowning. It feels as if I can’t breathe only because I’m trying to inhale the wrong things. It’s not so much about how sinful I am, but more about how GOOD God is.

[Hebrews 4:16]

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I have been placed here not the be served, but to serve. Disappointment comes from separating my will from God’s, and not solely from God’s decision to take things from me. I thank God for humbling me in a way that teaches me. The stars are millions in number but each serve a purpose, and tonight they fulfilled the purpose of bringing me closer to Him- quietly, softly, lovingly. 

[Mark 10:45]

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

And as I stopped on the side of the road to pray and to gaze, this song came on: 

“Set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain, that I can’t control. I want more of You, God. I want more of You, God. No place I’d rather be than here in Your love, here in Your love.”

Set a Fire by United Pursuit

There is no star that I would rather be on nor any life I’d rather live, because this is the one God created just for me. And He will unfailingly and faithfully reign in righteousness and glory forever.

Printing

Last night at NavNite, my friends Rob Thompson and Drew Martin shared a story that you really have to read first to understand why I am posting this story. You can read Rob’s October 25 post here:

http://abreathfromheaven.blogspot.com/

What I write here may seem futile, but it’s not. He is so glorified even in the smallest things.

I am the Assistant Marketing Director at the Campus Recreation Center at Tech (I promise that sounds way cooler than it is). This morning when I went into work, my boss wasn’t there, so I called her. She was on her way to a meeting and told me to see another lady and help her with an event being hosted at the CRC at 11am. I knocked on her office door and saw through the window that she was on the phone. I waited outside. When she opened the door a few minutes later, she was crying. She couldn’t even contain herself. As she forced a smile at me, I asked her if she needed me to print and cut the fliers I made for the event. She asked for 300 fliers in 20 minutes and politely shut the door. 

I freaked out. I wasn’t nearly as concerned with getting the job done for the event... they were just little flyers... but this lady was going through something bad. I later heard her talking in the hallway to her boss, saying, “I can’t take it anymore. I’ve got to take a personal day tomorrow.” I just wanted to make one thing a little easier for her. But here’s the problem: I’ve worked at the CRC for 7 weeks and have already successfully managed to break every appliance in the giant copy room in the offices. On my first day, I already had the Assistant Director of Facilities, the Operations Manager, and the Administrative Coordinator helping me unjam the shredder. The 7ft. copier, named “Rico,” seems to jam on me every five copies I try to make, forcing me to act for two seconds like I know anything about technology and open up the back of the stupid thing and get covered in ink and get it on my white shorts and cut my hand, every time. The industrial printer is the worst, though. It’s wires are somehow crossed between the trays to where you have to press “OK” for every piece of paper being printed, even if it’s 100 of the same thing. My point is that getting 300 fliers printed in 20 minutes was totally not going to happen.

First, I tried the copier, just for kicks. It jammed, of course. I tried printing only five from the printer, hoping that for the first time in forever the thing would print consecutive copies without stopping between each one. It didn’t work. It even rotated and cut off the pages at random. 

But after hearing Rob and Drew’s testimonies last night and hearing my friend Cam talk about praying over inanimate objects, I faced the printer and put my hands on it. I felt ridiculous, but I kept thinking about the lady I was doing this for. She needed one thing to go right. I prayed that God would make the printer work just this one day, and I praised Him for testing my patience so that it would grow. 

By now I had 12 minutes. I told the printer to print 100 copies. I went to cut in half the few I already had, and from behind me I heard the printer start... and it worked. Between copying five sheets at a time on Rico and the slow printer, I got the flyers to her on time. When my boss got back later, I asked her if anyone had fixed the printer recently. She said no one has touched it.

Except God.

He fixed an inanimate object.

God, You are good, and You are powerful! It’s amazing to see Your Spirit moving so tangibly through people so close to me! I am in complete awe of the personal love and intimacy You have with us. How could we ever be worthy of even speaking to You, the Holy One, Adonai, Yahweh? How can we not forever live in complete joy and confidence in Your Son, Who You sent to reunite us with You? It is through Him that we can even have these prayers You so faithfully answer. Thank You for listening, God. Thank You for Your timing, for Your provision, and for Your grace.

In Your Son’s Name, Amen.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 
Romans 8:32

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 
John 15:7

But it is the spirit in a man, the breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding. 
Job 32:8

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 
1 Corinthians 2:11 

The Advocate

Dear God,

I feel Your Spirit in my heart. 

I know that Your Spirit is the root of all things good within me. My every act of faithfulness and kindness is all You and only You because You are gracious enough to use me as Your window into this world. Every time I somehow reflect Your Son’s character while feeling impatient or jealous or unfaithful or tempted or hurt or unjustified-- that is when Your Spirit speaks for me even more. Whether in calmness, argument, or suppression, God, You are illuminated with my every exhale. You teach me to have peace and patience in my heart that I cannot understand or find in anything else. Often the words from my mouth are unrecognized by me but planned by You. I find my actions stifling sin with strength I could never amount to alone. By myself, I am far unworthy of producing the fruit of Your Spirit, yet You have healed my heart through Your Son in order that I may reveal to Your world Your love and character.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

In the chaos and in the quiet, I feel Your presence inexplicably. Your Spirit is so great that I cannot verbally justify It’s existence without relying heavily on Your Word. I fear You not only because I recognize Your power, but because I will be in Heaven before I am capable of fully understanding Your unstoppable desire and extraordinary ability to dwell within my soul. As little as I can fathom Your omniscience or the width of Your Kingdom, I can comprehend Your actions through me. Oh, but how beautiful it is to know that Something so strong chooses to radiate from me. 

Isaiah 40:28

Do you not know? 

   Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

   and His understanding no one can fathom.

I know that if You hadn’t chosen to live inside of me, I would be dead and unsatisfied. Your Spirit is life and freedom and It makes my cup overflow! No worldly desire- whether it be accomplishment or relationship or possession- could ever bridge the gap between my heart’s design for You and Your ability to captivate it. Like a fountain, the river of Your Spirit never runs dry. It flows so endlessly that It fulfills not only my every need, but It uses me to quench the desperate thirst of the lost and suffering for the compassion of and relationship with a merciful Savior. Your Spirit carries a love that is so deep and wide and covering and fierce and strong and furious and sweet and wild and awakening that only You- YAHWEH- could create it- the most satisfying of all things.

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

God, Your Spirit fights for me. Despite pain and temptation and evil, You have won every battle. No spiritual war has ever even been close to being lost because You have already defeated all sin through the death and resurrection of Your Son. When I don’t know what to say or do, You not only act through me, but You pray for me in the Name of Jesus and with the power of God. Though I cannot see You with my earthly eyes, I can clearly see You in Your victory as You go before me as a shield and as a sword.

John 14:26

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

Romans 8:25-26

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Because such a miraculous Spirit lives within me, I must honor and respect myself. Through God-driven discipline and Heavenly ambition, it is my responsibility to treat my body as a temple and sanctuary of You- the Alpha and Omega. No indulgence or harm or self destruction may bring down the walls and well-being of the dwelling place- which You Yourself hand-crafted- of Your Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Teach me to humbly submit to Your Spirit, God. Guide me in Your faithfulness and encourage me to trust in the You as You do things I do not understand. Thank You for wanting to live in me- a sinner- and for giving me the grace to follow Your will. I love You. Great is Your faithfulness.


In Your Son's Name,

Amen

the war

It wasn’t like one of those epic war movies--the ones where the rusty weather is both foreshadowing and foreboding, and every soldier is bound by sheets of metal and the spineless expectation of death.

But I stood as a fortified and redeemed victor before the war began.

In the moment, I focused on my weapons, which were also my protection. In the Kingdom, that’s the way things worked. My left hand was balancing a heavy, already blood-stained cross on my back. Although it seemed as though I could not have chosen a more cumbersome load to carry, I stood on that front line with confidence in my choice because I couldn’t help but feel as if the hundreds of pounds of wood actually lifted a burden off of me that far surpassed any physical pressure. As I struggled with it, I knew immediately that carrying it was not something I could ever do alone. That cross, although mine, belonged to my General of the Royal Army, Who had poured His blood on it for me to remind me to carry my own as He did. It was a symbol of unsurpassable and undeniable grace, but it was not dainty. It was ugly to be a piece of armor in my King’s ranks, but it was the most mind-blowingly beautiful story character to ever exist. I lived with it. I was ready to die on it. [Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:24] I gripped a book in my right hand, jabbing it forward every chance I got while still keeping it welded to my heart. It was the most pointed, shining, and incredible sword I had ever seen. My King had made it especially for me. He wanted me to finger its every groove and admire all of its glorious splendor, but while showing it to everyone--even my enemies--so that they too may revel in its power. The Book revealed messages to me from my King that taught me, rebuked me, corrected me, and trained me in righteousness [2 Timothy 3:16]. These thin pages were my most effective weapon because they were alive. They were breathing. Their veins carried through the Book the vitality and validity of my life, flowing directly from the heart of my King. They were my strongest shield, for they were branded with the symbol of faith in my King through full belief and confidence in His promises relayed in its words, perfectly designed to deflect and extinguish every flaming arrow. The more time I spent studying its details, the stronger I became, because knowing my weapon was the best way to use it to its full, awesome potential. [For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12] My heart--the most important thing to my King--was completely covered by an impenetrable breastplate. No bullet or spear or sin or attack or sword or temptation could break its consistency, for the righteous substance of its metal came directly from the armor of my King. Deeply etched in its center was the crest of the Royal Army, intricately hand-carved and eternally incapable of smudging or rusting. My head was adorned with a helmet that could not be rocked--a helmet of salvation. It hid from the enemies all that they wanted to see in me, and reformed the thoughts in my head to become focused on my King [Romans 12:2]. Holding my armor together was a thick belt. It was nothing miraculous, but it was clean and perfect. It was unbent and unscathed and had no choice but to remain that way. Though my clothing would sometimes cover it, the belt remained faithful to how the King created it to be. It gathered and held up everything I needed to fight for Him to a pinnacle of truth. My feet were bare. They needed no armor, for they were purely a weapon. They withstood the roughness of the ground and became calloused from its inconsistency. The skin on them was stretched thin as my feet and toes spread from the joyous weight of all I was carrying. Dirty and unkempt, they were just as they should be. They ran furiously when needed and stood completely still when told, but they were trained to never, ever rest from being used to further the Kingdom in the gospel of my General. Furthermore, my General had called me to serve, so my hands were just as weathered, clinging to the cross and the Book [Mark 10:45]. [Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17]

I stared confidently into the eyes of my enemies. Led by a fallen one of my own, they were equipped to know me well. However, created by my King, their commander was weak in that he could ultimately harbor no secrets or gain any foothold on us no matter how hard he tried. I studied the names of their troops: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. They comprised the army of temptation. I had fought each of them many, many times in the forms of people, material items, and--worst and most prevalent of all--myself. Their eyes were hungry. I was even more attractive to them because I had selfishly let them taste me before, and they wanted me in their army. 

But... when I was weak, I was strong, because my King displayed His overwhelming might in pulling me out of the pit of guilt and shame and evil [2 Corinthians 12:9].

Surrounded by an army of angels and disciples of my General and King, I was unintimidated and unshakable. Never once did I question my King for His decision to have this war, for I knew and held in my heart that He was the very most glorified in a won battle in His Name. A well that never ran dry and river that never stopped flowing, the fulfilling substance of the murmur amongst our ranks was as steady and symphonic as the brilliance of my King’s throne room, which was what I was fighting to one day see. I knew that after this war, no matter the blood that was shed or carnage that ensued, my King would be glorified. There would be peace in the ashes and in the aftermath of all that had come and was still to come, and in that throne room one day, my King would knight me. He would soon relieve me of my armor by warmly pouring it all into my soul so that I may add to the perfection of His Kingdom, all the while protecting me even more fully with His loving arms that would embrace me for the rest of time. 

[Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang:

     “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,

     to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength

     and honor and glory and praise!”

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:

     “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb

     be praise and honor and glory and power,

               for ever and ever!” Revelation 5:11-13]

how nothing taught me everything

Things I’ve been taught or reminded of this summer:

Seeing pride or another flaw in someone else probably means I have it. When I feel slighted by someone and think they’re being self-righteous, that’s usually a red flag that I’m the selfish one that thinks I deserve to be treated well, which is not what the Bible says.

GOD IS ENOUGH. I need no familial peace or daily joy or academic success or loving relationship on this earth to fulfill me.

GOD IS ABLE. Whatever I think can’t happen, God can do. Specifically, getting into a complete and total spiritual rut eventually ends. The light at the end of the tunnel may go out, but it’s always just because there’s a train coming toward you to bring you out of the tunnel.

I should read Scripture to serve God, not just to conquer it. I tried to read the whole Old Testament in 12 short weeks and was proven incapable, but that’s not because I physically or mentally couldn’t have, but because I shouldn’t have. I set for myself a quantitative goal that should’ve been qualitative. It’s not about getting through the awfulness of Leviticus and Numbers, but about finding in it what God wants me to. Now, I’m taking my time and just being sure to read some every day at the pace God tells me to.

God definitely gives gut feelings. Some instincts come straight from the Holy Spirit. If something doesn’t feel 100% right, it probably isn’t.

God will never replace something you have with something worse. Not all change is loss.

Faith has to have an independent component. In being alone so much over the past three months, I’ve had to figure out how to stay motivated in pursuing God without my normal accountability partners, Bible studies, and leaders. God reaches for me always, but I have to reach back.

God is always faithful and always forgiving. I actually learned something from the boring parts of the Old Testament! No matter how many times the Israelites messed up and worshiped false Gods (which was a lot), God kept saving them. I mess up my priorities all the time, but I am always God’s priority.

I may be the only Bible some people ever see. Heavy, right? That scared me when I first heard someone say it. I’m not supposed to act like Jesus just for Jesus’ sake.

People’s behaviors in the past will always determine what they do in their futures. I especially apply this to boys. I believe in giving second chances, but I do not believe in putting my hope in unrealistic expectations I have in people who don’t care half as much about me as they do themselves. Paths trump promises.

The greatest blessing is Jesus, not His fruit. In leading a small group of middle school girls at a DiscipleNow a few weeks ago, I asked them why they were Christians. They answered with things such as, “I want to go to Heaven,” and, “God does good things for me.” I should thank God for everything He does for me, but much more for sending His Son. It’s about knowing God, not just seeing Him. 

Sometimes sacrifices are shields. In taking a year off dating, I am constantly seeing how the time I’ve dedicated to not worrying about guys is keeping me from falling to the temptation they present me with.

In pain, God is glorified because His wrath is displayed. Bad things aren’t God not working, but another part of His power being shown.

Expect and prepare for satan to tell you you can’t do something. As Louie Giglio put it: “Expect ‘you can’t.’ Prepare for ‘you won’t.” Count on ‘God is able.” Satan knows my weaknesses just like God does.

Am I who the person I’m looking for is looking for? I highly recommend Andy Stanley’s “ The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating” series to anyone!

Loving someone is a choice, not just a feeling. Relationships based on chemistry never, ever work. Chemistry can’t fix problems.

Jesus turns the worst into the best and takes the rest from the last. He can do anything with nothing or a rotten something. I will not let my guilt rule me.

Sometimes you don’t realize God is all you need until He is all you have. “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” -John Piper

Why try to get security from people who don’t have any to spare? People aren’t our problem- it’s what we’re trying to get from them that messes us up, especially in relationships.

Satan has more to gain from our setbacks than from the initial fall that causes them. God works in how we react to our circumstances.

Time tells. God heals. It’s been over a year, and healing has not come from any person, I can guarantee that. It comes from realizing the grace God has on you and being able to give it to other people... and yourself.

Don’t confuse 80% reciprocation with 100% rejection. I have to be more secure than that.

Part of guarding your heart is knowing when not to ask questions. Sure, I want to be involved. I want to know what they think and all about their problems. But there’s a point where it’s much healthier to stay out of it.

Telling someone they’re wrong doesn’t inspire them to do right. Our mission is not to set people straight, but to bring people to Christ.

Strength always results in love. Humility, silence, and grace are a million times harder than displaying anger or arguing or yelling. Christianity is... hard.

unmerited grace

Daily I find myself speaking sweetly to and having patience with people who don’t deserve it from me a bit. I am torn down, judged, taken advantage of, cheated, and unreasonably yelled at all the time. I witness arguments between people I love and don’t join in to voice my sometimes harsh opinion. I see those same people say stupid things to each other and make ridiculous decisions, and I step back as I realize it isn’t my place to fix them, but God’s. Not to mention there’s a reason I’m taking a year off of dating. Hurting sucks. Sometimes I think I can feel satan riding on my shoulders and on my sense of self-worth. There are days where I feel attacked from every angle, and after facing an oppressor with grace I often quietly cry. Right after I get past a stressful moment with them my jaw drops at how I managed to keep my cool. 

But I can't accredit myself with that ability at all. I know what God’s presence feels like and I’ve never so uncontrollably felt Him speaking for me as I do in every situation I’ve let Him into that needs grace (well, every situation needs grace). It’s like His words are coming out of my mouth. He speaks with love and kindness. The humility with which He confronts every moment is unbelievable and only achievable if He is doing it for you. I’ve come to the realization that God will give you peace in your anger if you are willing to stifle your pride enough to let it blanket your frustrations, but more than anything else lately, I’ve learned that you can only truly have grace on other people when you realize how much grace God has with you. I’ve been reading the Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus says this at one point-- they are known as the Beatitudes:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
   for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
   for they will be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful,
   for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
   for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
   for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Matthew 5:3-12

I’ve messed up... a lot. I’ve covered some of this in a post before, but let me reassure you that I’ve sinned in almost any department you can think of. I still struggle with the shame of some of it so much that not one of my friends knows about it. Past sin is not something easy for me to talk about. But the beautiful thing is that Christ forgave me. God forgave me. My all-deserving and incredible Creator Who also made all the Heavens and all the earth and is entitled to nothing short of all I have-- all the universe has-- loves me no less than He did the day He thought to make me. He holds no list against me, keeps no record of my wrongs, and has given me the opportunity to be free from every piece of guilt that moments of falling to temptation have burned into my heart. Christ took the black tar of my sin onto Himself so that I may be clean enough to know God, and:

“...as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our sins from us.” Psalm 103:12

I know that I need that grace, and I know that I could not live without it. That’s exactly why I have grace with other people, why God supplies me with one hundred percent of it, and why He has given me so much reason lately to use it as a giant shield-- because He is a God of GRACE. Of undeserving forgiveness. Of trusting patience. Of bite-your-tongue humility. If we want to be like Jesus, which is what He calls us to be, we have to: 

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

So I will continue to accept feeling run over, find strength in it, see God’s glory in it, and know that God has planned a life for every person that makes me feel that way with the same love that He has for me. There is a time to stand up for yourself with an attitude of genuine concern and love for your persecutor, but I also believe that God calls us to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, not in earthy approval or earthly peace. We have been instructed by God to be His shining lights to the world, and a Godly lamp does not give off a hot-tempered glow that reflects its own terribly wrong feelings that it deserves anything at all, including grace, kindness, or fairness.


“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.‘ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” Matthew 5:38-42