more than a thousand miles

I’ve lived on a golf course for almost seven years. If my math is right, I’ve played it about 270 times, which is around 4,860 holes of golf. According to the USGA 15 minute average time it takes to play each hole of a round, that’s somewhere in the ballpark of 72,900 minutes, or 1,215 hours, or a little over 50 straight days that I’ve spent on that course if you throw in the extra time it takes to walk it. I have shot both of my lowest rounds ever on it. It has seen me run miles and miles and miles, chase my dog, be chased by my dog after he got sprayed by a skunk, and picnic on a date. Holes six, seven, and twelve have let my friends and I tear up its grass sledding every year it snows and I’ve worked at its clubhouse. I’ve flown off a golf cart on it several times, done donuts in its fairways, run through its sprinklers, and competed against my dad to see who can hit the farthest house on the edges of its out-of-bounds. I want to get married and die on a golf course somewhere, and this one would be just fine with me (at least for the dying part). That’s some pretty serious stock put into a little tract of mowed land.

Tonight, like a hundred other nights, I left my house with my dog, three golf clubs, and five golf balls to walk some holes. It was just in time for sunset and a storm was coming. There is one spot on the sixth green where you can probably see several neighboring states in the mountains that comprise the skyline, and words simply cannot describe the sunset I saw this time (unfortunately, I didn’t have my phone to take a picture because I like to use that time to disconnect from the world). It was more beautiful than any sky I had ever seen. I’ve seen the sun go down over oceans from ships hundreds of miles offshore, over lakes and fields in Kenya and Brazil, and over the buildings of New York City, Paris, and Rome. None of those compared to this. My back was to it as I walked up the sixth fairway. Unaware that Heaven itself was peaking through behind me, when I turned around to putt on the top of the sixth green, I was so blown away that I literally gasped for breath. I sat and didn’t move for an amount of time I don’t know. 

When I was little, I always believed that each beam of light coming down from the sun through the clouds was God taking someone up to Heaven to be with Him. (I think that’s an old wives’ tale, or maybe it was my mom trying to make me think of death more lightly.) In that one scene, I saw life and death. The warmth of the air heated by that sun made me feel alive and like I was wrapped in His arms, and the streaks coming from the clouds to the ground made me think of how glorious it would be to ascend into Heaven right then and there. What I saw on the sixth green was omnipresence. He was touching every ounce and end of the earth He created at every moment of every day in all of time. No matter what grace I needed to have or give, no matter the bad news I heard, no matter how weak I was or strong the enemy seemed to be, no matter how rocked my world felt--everything was still. The clouds surrounding the sun were as layered, huge, and incomprehensible as God’s love. The sun was as glaringly bright as His Son’s radiance and the hope He provides. God was there. God is here. All the time. Everywhere. Forever.

I think God made that sunset for me. I definitely hope someone else somewhere got as much out of it as I did, but it seemed like He was directly speaking to and reaching for me. I was in the place I felt most at home in this world. He knew that. No one else was around or in sight. He planned that. There were no noises, no distractions, and no other movements entering my mind. He made that happen. Come to think of it, my only other working sense soaked in the smell of the freshly cut grass all around me. But He even created that. I guess everything else seems so small and unimportant when you’re looking at God. He wanted to show me that. 

Looking out had made me look down, but God was calling me to look up. I may live on a golf course, but I was created to live for His Kingdom.

“You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

The skies lay low where You are

On the earth You rest Your feet

Yet the hands that cradle the stars

Are the hands that bled for me

In a moment of glorious surrender

You were broken for all the world to see

Lifted out of the ashes

I am found in the aftermath

Freedom found in Your scars

In Your grace my life redeemed

For You chose to take the sinner's crown

As You placed Your crown on me

In that moment of glorious surrender

Was the moment You broke the chains in me

Lifted out of the ashes

I am found in the aftermath

And in that moment You opened up the heavens

To the broken the beggar and the thief

Lifted out of the wreckage

I find hope in the aftermath

And I know that You're with me

Yes I know that You're with me here

And I know Your love will light the way

Now all I have I count it all as loss

But to know You and to carry the cross

Knowing I'm found

In the light of the aftermath

Aftermath by Hillsong United

standing up under it

Two buttery, made-from-scratch biscuits. Two crispy, greasy bacon strips. Two fat, spicy breakfast sausage patties. Unbelievably fresh jam, hand-mashed from strawberries grown in the back yard one day before. At least 1000 calories of sheer deliciousness sat on the plate in front of me, not including the massive pound cake with extra egg to make it even gooey-er sitting on the shelf five feet away, the homemade hot apple pie caked with cinnamon and crumb topping on the counter next to me, or the full-to-the-brim cookie jar containing huge, under-baked, scratch chocolate chip cookies right by it. Only at my great grandmother’s house can I come in from an awakening morning run to such an overwhelming aroma. I fought hard against my desire to go back to sleep to go on that run. I paced around the guest room in an out-loud debate with myself and scowled as I put on my tennis shoes. I almost died breathing that thick, humid, summer Florida air and almost got lost because I ran so far. When I came in to all of those glorious smells, I literally said, “crap” and rolled my eyes. All of that was for nothing. One day off, I told myself. Just one won’t hurt. 

And it didn’t—the next morning my dad about ran me into the ground doing one of his workouts, and it’s not like I’m one of those psycho freaks that can’t eat junk food and has to exercise every day... I’m a college kid... I’m not even close—but I’ve been on this big health kick for a few weeks now, and it’s not because I’m trying to lose weight or something by any means, but it’s because I’m trying to learn how to captivate my mind. I know that sounds crazy. I mean, what does controlling your body have to do with controlling your mind? It’s actually the exact same thing. I’ve heard miracle stories about people quitting smoking in a day, and if a physical addiction to nicotine can be put to rest, God can certainly help me get over my mental temptations and make me run a faster mile. I take it as no accident that the Bible mentions controlling your body and your mind so closely together:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:1-2

I’m correlating my recent lack of motivation to become a stronger Christian with my lack of motivation to move or do anything useful, really. I guess I’m trying to conquer my addiction to laziness along with my subconscious addiction to thinking about things that are harmful to me. Whether it be dwelling on what has been, what could have been, what I can’t have, what I want but I shouldn’t, the easy way out, the wide and curvy instead of the straight and narrow... my mind would much rather focus on things other than what God wants for me. Following the will of God is always a fight, but I know that renewing how I think and therefore how I feel will help me grasp it. I’m trying to think new thoughts about old things, because if I keep thinking the way I am, nothing will change. It’s hard for me to tell other people no, much more myself. I’m taking over a month off Facebook, I’m trying desperately to rekindle my desire for reading Scripture daily, I’m intentionally planning things with people I need to focus more on and drifting from those I need to detach from, I’ve cut out all non-Christian music from my life, I’m running or working out almost every day, and, most importantly, I’m praying all the time. I don’t think God calls us to do anything halfway, especially when we are surrounded with as much temptation as we are, so I’m trying to be a little drastic. I think Matthew 7:15-20 talks about bearing good fruit from the mind, and that’s worth it to me. Maybe my actions will change my mind which will change both my actions and my heart.

A big help has been memorizing this:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

My faithful and jealous God is always, always reaching out for me, but I need to reach back. So when you hear me complain about being sore, know that’s all I’m really trying to do.

Breakfast at Great Memaw's. :)

random inspiration

I believe in a God of the rescue- a God of redemption and of constant victory over my life. My God is stubborn and He is jealous. His grace is unyielding and strength completely unbreakable. 

I believe in a God of second chances- a God Who is never, ever, ever finished performing inexplicable miracles in both my life and the world, no matter what I do. My God will always forgive me, even when I don’t. His glory triumphantly defeats every ignorant temptation and sin that so foolishly thinks it can sway me. 

I believe in a God of determination- a God Who lights a consuming fire under anyone who sees Him. My God is more than worthy enough to be the motivation behind my every movement, every thought, and every hope. His death became life and life became eternity, instilling in me a sense of power and confidence to live my life the way He so rightfully commands. 

I believe in a God of pure joy- a God of the beautiful give and take. My God calls me to consider every theft a gift and every gain a loss, all the while giving thanks to Him. His only desire is for me to glorify His Name- the Name above every Name- by singing His praises with my every breath as I revel in the comfort of His jubilant mercy and pursue righteousness through the discomfort of the numerous opportunities with which He provides me.

I believe in a God of omniscience- a God with a marvelous plan for His kingdom that cannot be changed or predicted. My God pulls at me to hold captive my mind and reserve my heart for Him and Him only so that I may fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. His every word begs me to succumb to His intentions with the faithful soul that He Himself blessed me with and to worship, bowed at His feet with my hands grasping for Him in complete surrender.

Above all else, I believe in a God of love- a God Whose affection encompasses all of these incredible things. My God has more passion than the universe has width or the sky has height. His adoration for His creation is completely and totally unsurpassable, incomprehensible, and undeniable.

(Nothing will make you feel as small as the Swiss Alps do... except God :) )

independent faith

I didn’t start writing this post with a plan worth much of anything. I am literally thinking of each sentence as I go, and I'm tired, so get ready for a little scatterbrained-ness. But I felt like God was calling me to just start writing, so I obeyed. I thought I would usually use this blog to publicly journal the phases I go through where I am studying one main thing at a time that I want to talk about, or just to update people on my life. But here I am, in quite a spiritual slump. I’ve come to the realization that I really take advantage of being surrounded by so many positive influences when I’m at Tech during the year. I have accountability partners coming out of my ears there, and have somehow let them become a cushion in my life. There’s always someone to encourage me, someone to keep me on my toes, someone to ask me questions, someone to quiz me on scripture, someone to worship with, someone to learn from, and someone to just check up on me. Now that I’m home, though, I spend about half of my days with friends or family, and the other half alone. I really, seriously love my me time- cleaning and cooking and strumming and watching and reading all by myself, often in silence- but boredom has finally begun finding its way into my every day. Most people would consider it sad. I am an only child and my parents work from about 7:30am-5:30pm every day. I have no car, and no plans. I’ve resorted to going to the gym or running some, learning an excessive amount of songs on my guitar, watching too much Say Yes To The Dress (daytime TV is addictive!), reading a Beth Moore book, and, by the grace of God, reading my Bible. I’m trying to finish the Old Testament this summer, and it’s proving to be a serious challenge. I just pushed through Leviticus and Numbers, and am getting well into Deuteronomy now.

I guess you could say the general theme for all I’m rambling about is figuring out what my motives are behind my faith. For once, I’ve been learning the most about God in my alone time with Him. In the past, I feel like God has revealed most things to me in group settings, whether it be in a Bible study, a conference, or in hearing a talk. Even though I am a proven introvert, I seem to get most of the energy I use in pursuing my faith from the outside world, which I think makes perfect sense because of how much time I spend with Christians. Now that I have so much more alone time, though, I am seriously wrestling with seeking God alone only and without anyone focusing on encouraging me to do so. The whole thing is almost awkward. I can feel God pulling at me to stay close, in His word, and in prayer, but I can’t feel Him pulling on anyone else. (But I’m definitely not complaining. I mean, I have a God that’s telling me He wants me.)

This idea of figuring out the most incomprehensible thing ever by myself isn’t totally new to me, though. I mean, I’m a true Nav! I’ve had my fair share of quiet times and one-on-ones with God. The difference is in basically having to live a different life, too. Coming home digs up a whole ton of memories, both good and bad. It reteaches me how to deal with certain people, how to go without others, and Europe rocked my world with how mature it made me feel and the responsibilities it let me have and explore. When I’m not at school, I don’t have a schedule, I actually have to communicate with my parents, and much of my freedom is gone. On top of that, a few other things seem to have gone so wrong or are headed in that direction. How am I supposed to deal with all this change on top of losing a constant surrounding of accountability partners? My normal consistency deserves to have been shaken up a little bit. I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of my identity, to be completely honest.

And now for the studying part instead of just venting... What does God have to tell me about this? (This is my favorite part about writing a blog. It makes me look stuff up.) In John 16, Jesus is talking to His disciples about them leaving him to be alone. Jesus says that He isn’t alone because God is with Him. The disciples have peace in their hearts because God has overcome the world. 

“But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:32-33

I, like Jesus, am most certainly not alone in this fight for holiness. How could I be alone if God is there? On top of that, God has overcome my world- my boredom, my stress, my anger, my sadness, my change. I WILL have trouble, but I can’t be afraid that I’m too weak to bother trying to grow on my own this summer. I may be discouraged in the slowing of the “spiritual high” I was on for so many months, but God isn’t. I know He wants in, but my independent faith is what has to invite him. If I give up and don’t push through the difficulty of what can sometimes be a stale and seemingly unproductive pursuit of righteousness, I’m doing absolutely nothing but hurting myself.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." Revelation 3:20

London
(the on-our-own, pre-tour-group part of the trip)

There isn't much to say about London except that it makes me feel really behind. The traffic is fast and terrifying, the people are stiff (yet for the most part very kind), and the fashion is just hard to describe. the Tube (subway) is always packed and bustling and the wind complicates using a map. The buildings are so beautiful, though, and it's an unbelievable learning experience. I think we walk about ten miles a day and my whole body hurts, but we have seen all the best things of London. :) Most of everything will be explained in my pictures on Facebook, except for that one story about how I made an outlet pop loudly from plugging in a straightener and the French girl in the bed across from me cuss a lot and laugh as I ran the smoking converter box to the outside curb to cool off, which was later stolen before I could take a picture. (Seriously? Who would steal a little smoking black box?)

What I find most interesting is where we are staying- the Clink Hostel. Our hostel feels like an old boarding house. It has long, twisting, broken, wooden halls with creaky bedroom doors around every corner. The delapidated walls have been repainted over the decades and are now bright colors that make me feel like I'm on acid in the 70's. The dirty pub downstairs is very popular for residents at night, and breakfast in the basement is confusing and crammed and they only serve toast and plain cereal. I need to learn how to say "excuse me" in at least five languages. I share a high-celinged, rectangular room with 13 other people (including Lindsey), most of which who know around four languages, have awesome accents from who knows where, and are all fluent in curse words. Our beds are literally stacked metal cages, and each person is given one sheet, a heavy comforter, and one small pillow by the hippies that work at the front desk. I not only sleep bunk-to-bunk with and inches away from both sexes of travelers, but I live with them. I learn from, walk miles and miles of the city with, and spend hours talking to these random teenagers and college-age kids from places like New Zealand, Iceland, Austria, Germany, Ecuador, and Canada that literally don't have a single thing in common with me. Some are here to backpack to a destination, some are here to take advantage of the low drinking age, and some are here in order to not be somewhere else. The sound of my drunk roommates stumbling in keeps me up late, the city hum outside of the open windows and the guy snoring next to me is loud, and the students here for summer work set alarms that wake me up early. Everyone knows you should keep your luggage locked, your valuables either with you or in the lockable metal box above your head, and your eyes and ears open.

But let me tell you, everyone sleeps harder in a hostel than anywhere else. 

Despite my hostel's sketchiness, I can't help but see every place I go as a God-given opportunity. I have learned some "flesh"
new trendy words, improved my
German, been told that I have a Southern twang, realized that I am
a pretty accepting Christian, (topic for another day) lost some fear of asking some hard questions, seen from points of view I would never have thought of otherwise because of that, lost stability in some of my opinions because of that, and have been shook by the thought that all of these people live in my little world and could be going to hell. Not one of the foreigners I spend a great deal of time with do not ask me if I am religious. I say yes and fidget with my cross earrings, and later do a quiet time on my bunk before going to sleep. at dinner with them, I pray over my food. I see a guy reading his Bible at breakfast one morning and initiate a conversation with him about it. But is that enough? No, not even close. I am terrified to bring God up to them. I've never tried to evangelize to people who look completely awestruck and freak out when you tell them you happily go to church every week back home. Then God shows me this as I randomly flip through the Bible:

Jeremiah 1:4-8

God chose me to fearlessly speak HIS words. I may have missed my opportunity here because all of my new friends are leaving soon, but it's only been two days...

Paris, anyone?

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

“Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD.”

Psalm 27:14

   I knew I needed to write another blog post sooner or later. I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out what to write about. I thought about the summer ahead of me, about golf- how I love it or what my life would’ve been like if I played in college- and its awesomeness, about my dad’s lunchtime talks with me about world politics, about the blessings in my life I call my friends. I probably could write a lot about what each of those things have taught me. But as I was on the golf course, it finally hit me that pretty much everything going on in my life right now has to do with waiting on God. I’m waiting for my trip to Europe to get here, to study abroad next year, to move in with my awesome future roomies, to get better at guitar, to graduate, to have a future family, to get a job, to grow up. I’ve even decided to take a year off of dating and “talking to” guys for a year, which I’ve never done before. I wrote a contract. Basically, I’m learning how to surrender to God in waiting for Him. I thought I’d try to figure out how to talk my leader-type personality into taking the back seat, considering waiting on God is obviously something I need to know how to do. None of this is a revelation or anything, but just what I’ve been trying to focus on lately.

   The Bible is loaded with scripture about waiting on God. From what I’ve read, He is the God of providence, salvation, and blessings. We wait on Him for mercy, guidance, fulfillment of His promises and Word, and the coming of Christ. Waiting on Him is good, and He calls us to do it. It should be from the heart, with an earnest desire for His will to be done, with complete resignation, with undeniable hope and confidence, continual, every day, all day, and stronger in adversity. Waiting takes patience. Those who wait on God wait on Him only, are heard, are blessed, experience His goodness, should not be ashamed, have their strength renewed, inherit the earth, are saved, and rejoice for eternity. Waiting on Him was best exemplified by David, Hannah, Isaiah, Micah, Jacob, and Joseph. (Basically... I don’t know why people say God doesn’t speak. The Bible can answer any question if you just read it.)

   At some point, everyone waits. Our lives don’t come close to running on our own schedules, and God has a master plan that is far too great for any of us to even begin to comprehend, replicate, or improve. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Ecclesiastes 3:1-11:

“There is a time for everything, 

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

   Our ability to wait on the Lord is dependent only on confidently expecting and focusing on who God is, on what God is doing, and on what God has done. We can only get ourselves to wait on Him if we have confidence in His character, wisdom, love, timing, and understanding of your situation and of the world. We have to know and trust in His principles, promises, purposes, and power. Waiting involves an expectation and anticipation of something special. Psalm 105 talks about what God has done and His promises of what He will do.

   In this verse, it’s like we are the watchmen that wait for the morning that always comes. Why would they question the sun rising?

“I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
   and in his word I put my hope. 

I wait for the Lord
   more than watchmen wait for the morning,
   more than watchmen wait for the morning.”

Psalm 130:5-6

   Our attitudes in waiting are based on our contentment with our portions and how we control our appetites. There is not a moment of my life that I don’t want something I don’t or can’t have. I want all of those things I mentioned above to go ahead and happen more and more every day, and sometimes it seems like time is slowing down. How do I handle stifling my earthly desires while I wait on God? How do I act?

   My friend Erin talked about contentment once. It’s like her forte in terms of Christian topics to give counsel on, and that’s saying a lot because she is super wise. She said people are discontent when they think, “if I only had this, I’d be happier,” or “if this were different, everything would be better.” Erin explained that we are called to contentment in our circumstances (1 Timothy 6:15), identities (Psalm 139:13-16), roles (Ephesians 2:8-10), and relationships (Ephesians 4:3), and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these are also the things we wait on God to change. She said that a faulty focus is the root of discontentment, and that looks like greed and anxiety in daily life. According to Erin (that should be the name of an advice column), there are five practical ways to be content:

1. Never complain about anything.
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or anywhere else.
3. Never compare your portion with someone else’s.
4. Never allow yourself to regret.
5. Never dwell on tomorrow.

“LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;

   you have made my lot secure.”

Psalm 16:5

“Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.”

Psalm 37:7

   At Passion last year, Andy Stanley (love him) spoke on appetites. The main clause of his sermon was that our appetites with either rule us, or we will rule them. He mentioned these main points:

• God created appetites, sin distorted them. They aren’t bad, but broken.
• Our appetites are never ever ever fully satisfied.
• Our appetites always whisper “now” and never “later.”
• Our responses to our appetites determine if we fulfill God’s will.

   The scripture Andy focused on was in Genesis 25, a story of Jacob and Esau. Just as Esau sold Jacob his birthright for a bowl of stew, we always give up our potential for our addictions. Esau later despised the stew and Jacob because he gave up his birthright. This is just like how if we don’t control our appetites, the consequences will make us bitter towards God’s will. We are called to “refrain and reframe.” I think this applies to waiting on God because my appetites are always what ruin my attempts to follow His will. I know that God calls me to listen for His calling, but instead I tend to settle for the immediate, submitting to my appetite for control, job completion, and lack of conflict. I have appetites for success, approval, progress, love, and responsibility, too, and my tendency to try and figure those things out by myself keeps me from waiting to see what God has in store for me.

“But they soon forgot what he had done
   and did not wait for his plan to unfold. 

In the desert they gave in to their craving;
   in the wilderness they put God to the test.
So he gave them what they asked for,
   but sent a wasting disease among them.”

Psalm 106:13-15

   The actions we take while we are waiting on God involve humbly seeking His will, faithfully disregarding our will, and openly listening to what He has to say. We have to be careful in waiting not to become lazy or controlling, bitter or complacent, distracted or selfish. Waiting on God is just what it says. We aren’t called to just wait for things to get better for our own sake or to take the easy way out by not worrying about anything- we are called to wait on Him when He tells us we need to (which is pretty much always), and to say, “God, this time is something important to me, but I’m going to let you take control of it and trust you with its outcome as I wholeheartedly seek You during it.”

“I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.’

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.”

Lamentations 3:24-25

   God rewards those who love Him, and does big things for the people who do big things for HIm. I think it’s super exciting to think about the consequences of waiting for God. In the midst of this season of waiting on so many things in my life, Andy Stanley is doing a message called “The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating.” It is amazing to me that the day after I wrote that contract I mentioned earlier, Andy challenged the singles in the entire church to take a year off of dating. (Again, “coincidence is evidence of God’s providence.”) He later read a letter to the audience that was written to him by a girl who took that challenge when he gave it years ago. I was really moved by the faithfulness God showed her when she showed it to Him. Those who wait on the Lord become strong, and waiting isn’t so bad when you think about how you’re putting your life into the hands of a controller Who loves you more than even you ever could.

“But now, Lord, what do I look for?
   My hope is in you.”

Psalm 39:7

“However, as it is written:

   ‘What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived’
   the things God has prepared for those who love him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

“Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:28-31

Patience with God is hope.

God's love

I think I should clarify what “agape” means. Here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia:

The term agape is rarely used in ancient manuscripts, but was used by the early Christians to refer to the self-sacrificing love of God for humanity, which they were committed to reciprocating and practicing towards God and among one another. When 1 John 4:8 says "God is love," the Greek New Testament uses the word agape to describe God's love.

Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, used agape to describe what he believed was the highest level of love known to humanity—a selfless love, a love that was passionately committed to the well-being of the other.

The Christian usage of the term agape comes almost directly from the canonical Gospels' accounts of the teachings of Jesus. When asked what was the greatest commandment, Jesus said, "'Love (agape) the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love (agape) your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:37-40)

In the King James Version of the New Testament, the word agape is translated "charity" which has a contemporary connotation of "giving to meet needs of the less fortunate.”

God’s love was something I focused on for months this spring. A lot of that was sparked as I was eating alone on the night of Valentine's Day and felt so overwhelmed with God's love and was so happy that I cried tears of joy. It seems like there are a billion directions this post could go... I mean, it’s kind of hard to explain something infinite. I compare God’s love to the universe. The human mind is not physically capable of understanding the true size of the universe, or the concept of time. Scientists say the universe is expanding, but what is it expanding into? What was there before the beginning of time? It seems like every time I ask myself these questions my brain shuts off like it did in every Accounting class I had this year. Even if you simply Google “God’s love” and read other blogs and articles on it, they all seem scattered. How do you keep track of and define something that’s too big to understand?

I think the reason I focus so much on God’s love is because it’s always obvious if you’re willing to look for it. It’s always beneficial. Every time I’m on a “God high” or something like that, it’s like a snowball effect: something good happens, I thank God, I see God more, it seems like more good things happen. I see it easily in the things that I love: my parents, my friends, my dog, golf courses, the lake, puppies, success, missions, happy people, worship.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

The problem is, if love is God and God is everywhere, why don’t I see His love for me everywhere? I’ve come to the realization that every trial I face- conflict with friends, feeling alone, being defeated by school, failed relationships- all make me feel unloved, not good enough. I screw up. I think I’m always right. I hurt people. I let myself get hurt. I’m not a good enough friend. I’m not smart enough. I’m not attractive enough. I keep making mistakes, over and over and over. Where can I find God’s love for me in all of that? How can something so big seem so invisible at times?

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Maybe these are actually the things God’s love is shown through the most. Sin was what He sent His only Son to die for. Christ's death was the number one way God shows us His love- it’s how He shows us Himself.

A song some friends and I have recently listened to a lot with says this:

“Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise”

I think that says it all.

So, this is why “agape” is the name of my blog. God’s love encompasses everything and every part of Christianity, which is every part of me. No matter the kind of day I’m having, where I go, who I’m with- whether it be incredible or heartbreaking- it’s all Him. There is nothing I could possibly write on here or experience that could ever stray from something to do with God’s love for me. Without God’s love, who would I be? If He didn’t love us, Who would He be? 

(Right as I was typing this, the songs “Our God is Love” by Hillsong and “Sometimes” by David Crowder Band came on my iPod. Coincidence is evidence of God’s providence.)