Consider it joy

Where to begin... the first day of class at the university was Monday. I’ll start there, because it was insane. I was supposed to take 3 different buses to get there, so I left about an hour and 45 minutes before I had to get there because I knew something would go wrong. I got the first bus and went to the stop where the next one was supposed to come. See, in Germany, several areas are called “something-platz,” which basically just defines the area based on a region of town. However, bus stops are named “something-platz 1,” “something-platz 2,” etc. I got off at 3 and needed to find 1. I eventually did (they’re not labeled on any maps) and waited for about 23 minutes. Buses are supposed to come every 20. Eventually a nice old lady walks by and tells me in German that buses don’t stop there anymore. Perfect. I figured I knew nothing better than to start walking to where I was supposed to make the next transfer, so I did. And yet more problems... The bus map doesn’t have street names, only stop names. So, I had no idea how to get to the next stop. I essentially got lost in an area where I was surrounded by graffiti, a gas station, and the interstate. I had no idea what to do or where to go for about 30 minutes. It was so awful. But then I heard a voice yelling nearby, and there was my host mom, in her car going to work, pulled over because she saw me. She gave me directions and drove me to the next stop (which I never would’ve been able to walk to). Incredible blessing. God was seriously looking out for me and I am so grateful and need to remember what happened and have more faith.

After class Monday was a walking city tour, and Tuesday we had class and toured the Mercedes-Benz plant. Holy cow, it was awesome. And huge. And it had so many robots and machines. Imagine the most high-tech and legit car factory ever, and that was it. Unfortunately I got one of my infamous migranes. Dr. Cothran noticed I didn’t look good, and she went and bought a Coke to surprise me with... it was my first Coke ever. But it did make me feel much better.

Today we took the train all the way to Essen to see the Villa Hugel, or the home of Krupp. It’s like the Biltmore House of Germany. I learned a lot and the scenery was beautiful, but there seems to be a common theme among our group that we all become ravenously hungry around 11am. Then we rode all the way to the Ruhr area, famous for industry, specifically coal mining. We toured the Zollverein coal mine and manufacturing facility. It reminded me a lot of my grandpa’s old welding shop, but the kinda creepy version. I’m not sure why.

Tomorrow is class and then a tour of an art museum. Hopefully I’m actually tired when I go to sleep tonight. Stupid jet lag. :( If anyone reading this wouldn’t mind, I’d really appreciate prayers for my homesickness. I am so blessed to have people and a place to miss, but I need to be more content with where God has me now. Also pray for solid fellowship among our group, and that I could see the opportunites God lays before me and take them and let the Spirit work. I really need more of the Spirit, and more faith. I really really do. And a hug.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. 

James 1

nach Düsseldorf, Deutschland fahren

What an adventure the last 24 hours have been! 30 minutes into my overnight flight, the pilot announces that there will be bad turbulence for the next two hours. The girl sitting right next to me threw up... a lot. As if small spaces weren’t bad enough. We finally landed this morning (I’m 6 hours ahead of you guys) and I found my group. I got in a taxi to head to the host home, where I found a note on the door saying the family had left to go geocaching for the day and to call the neighbor to be let in the house. Guess whose phone doesn’t work? Mine. My taxi driver didn’t speak a word of English, so I asked him in broken German if I could borrow his phone. Eventually I got in so it’s all okay.

And then I decided to go wander the area since I couldn’t get in touch with other people from my group. I hadn’t eaten anything since a small muffin on the plane this morning, and the only place open was an ice cream shop... which didn’t take credit cards. And I couldn’t find an ATM. So now I’m back in my room and still haven’t met the people I’m staying with. This is starting pretty rough. But it’s going to be okay, because God is good, and He is love. And it's when every ounce of your comfort is stripped away that you can see the true sustenance of Christ.

Please be praying I don’t get lost going to class tomorrow! I have to make 3 bus transfers and I don’t even know how frequently buses come.

If you’re reading this, I probably miss you. :)

God of the universe

Preface: There is no such thing as an accident.

A few weeks ago, some friends and I went to spend the weekend at Haley’s house the weekend between Passion and school to do nothing but read the Bible, relax, and eat tons of delicious food. It was one of the best weekends of my life. One night while cooking dinner, we saw out the kitchen window an incredible sunset over Haley’s farm. We went outside and just stared at is as it went down. I remembered how earlier in the day, the sun was really bright and hurt my eyes as I sat on the pool deck reading. After looking at it, I saw spots and my whole face hurt. And now, this same sun was slowly and majestically sinking to the other side of the earth. It was beautifully sad. I didn’t want things to go dark, but I know it would come back so I could see everything by it again. It’s return in the morning was also designed to be as magnificent. I also noticed that as it fell, the moon was rising higher into the sky. Although harder to see, the moon was illuminated by the almost missing sun and reigning over me just as the sun had so powerfully during the day. It too would go eventually.

I thought of how bright Christ is- of how I am such a fickle and unworthy human that whenever I consider myself worthy of staring at Him as an equal, I’m burned, just like when I stare into the sun. I thought about how Christ’s departure was the most beautiful three hours humanity has ever seen, and how we have no greater hope than that which we have in His return. I was reminded that in Christ’s absence, we were given the Holy Spirit. It’s harder to see than an actual man walking on earth, but It’s just as present and just as necessary. Not only is the moon our light when the sun is away, but the moon controls gravity. The gospel is displayed to us in awe-inspiring splendor in a painting in the sky every single day.

Bare with me for another analogy. I actually learned something in Earth and Atmospheric Sciences lecture (I know- it’s crazy) that completely blew my mind. 

The earth was not originally tilted at all when it was created, and therefore it could sustain no life. The moon didn’t even exist until 50-100 million years after the world was created. But approximately 4.5 billion years ago, a Mars-sized object named “Theia” (after a Greek Titan who gave birth to the moon goddess, Selene) collided with the earth. As a result of the impact, the iron core of Theia sunk into and combined with the (then) softer core of the earth. The collision projected a large portion of both Theia’s and the earth’s mantles into space. Part of that lost mass became the moon, and the striking similarities between the cores of the moon and the earth are evidence that they were one until a large impact separated them, further proving the existence of Theia. This collision also tilted the earth 23 degrees, drastically changed its rotation (and therefore the length of days), and shifted the earth’s equator closer to the plane of the moon’s orbit. If Theia hadn’t hit earth, the earth would be left orbiting the sun and spinning on its axis like a chicken roasting with its head and tail alternately aimed at the fire rather than being cooked broadside. One pole to the equator would be in darkness during the solstice while the other half would be extremely hot. The poles would swap lighting conditions at the next solstice. Not to mention that the creation of the moon significantly impacts gravity and ocean tides. It has been said that before Theia, several large collisions of foreign bodies with the earth had happened, but none created objects like the moon or provided the earth the ability to sustain life. Basically, without Theia colliding into the earth 4.5 billion years ago, humans literally could not survive on this planet.

Last time I checked, Jesus Christ had a pretty big impact on the earth, too. Without Him, there is NO LIFE. Apart from Him, we are DEAD! Christ came into the world, leaving with us His blood spilled on the cross- what is now part of our core. Similar to my previous analogy, the moon affects gravity and tides just as the Spirit orbits around us in our daily lives. The Spirit’s core is in us and we in it, proving that we are spiritually one. Christ’s impact shifted our centers to line up with the Spirit; Theia’s impact lined up the equator with the moon. Previous collisions with the earth resemble the sending of the prophets to God’s people in the Old Testament- they were of God but they were not capable of bringing life to humanity and saving it from burning forever by the wrath and fire and power of the sun- the Almighty God- that it so deserved. The gospel was written far before any man could make it up. How can something so intwined with the creation of existence itself be questioned? The gospel has been here since the BEGINNING!

So here’s my question:

Why do we think we are so important?

(Watch this video. You’ve already spent this much time reading and I promise it’s worth it.)

click here

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. -C.S. Lewis

The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. Hebrews 1:3

But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wings. You shall go out leaping like calves from the stall. Malachi 4:2

And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth.” And it was so. And God made the two great lights—the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night—and the stars. And God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day. Genesis 1:14-19

The heavens declare the glory of God, 

   and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. 

Day to day pours out speech, 

   and night to night reveals knowledge. 

There is no speech, nor are there words, 

   whose voice is not heard. 

Their voice goes out through all the earth, 

   and their words to the end of the world. 

In them he has set a tent for the sun, 

   which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber, 

   and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy. 

Its rising is from the end of the heavens, 

   and its circuit to the end of them, 

   and there is nothing hidden from its heat.

Psalm 19:1-6

And he was transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light. Matthew 17:2

There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory. 1 Corinthians 15:41

I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus... to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time—he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen. 1 Timothy 6:13-16

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:1-5

a light in the darkness

As a preface, I have really vivid dreams that I remember pretty much every night. Within the last six months or so, however, I’ve gone through periods of “dark” dreams. What I mean by this is that my dreams are so twisted and scary that I feel like satan is in them. They often play on the death or loss of someone or something that’s close to me, and it’s not like I can control my dreams and make it go away. I’ve gone through periods where it has gotten to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep because of it, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to pray over my dreams. I usually don’t talk about it because I feel like if I talk about darkness, it’s more present in my life.

Last night, though, it was the first time ever that it was different. I’m really just writing this so I can read it and remember God’s awesomeness later.

I woke up several times in the middle of the night tossing around, and each time I fell back asleep I had a different dream. In one of the dreams, everything was grey, and I walked into a creaky, creepy, old, wooden house to visit my mom, who taught in a private school for young girls in the house. I remember feeling desperate to save her. There were really awful animals in cages and tanks around me, watching me walk around. The girls secretly participated in some kind of satanic witchcraft, and they eyed me because they knew I wasn’t like them. It seriously reminded me of a horror movie. In another dream, I went with some people I knew in the dream to eat at a restaurant kinda like Moe’s. As I approached the food line, I realized that the food was cannibalistic. I looked to my left, and there were children dancing and turning into animals like snakes and oxen and bears as they jumped around. 

But in both of these dreams and one or two others I had last night, I knew I didn’t belong. I was afraid, but I wasn’t consumed. In fact, I was less afraid because I realized that I no longer fit into the story I was in. In all of my dark dreams in the past, I’ve woken up bothered, afraid, and often crying. But this morning, I was so joyous! For the first time in my life, I was unafraid of the darkness in my dreams! I knew I didn’t belong! I am a child of God!

Brothers and sisters- the maybe one person who’s reading this- this is just another example of God’s complete providence. If you are a beloved child of God and you believe and feel that God has chosen you to be His by His grace, you have been ultimately saved from the wrath and dominion of satan himself. The enemy has been defeated! 

We do not belong here. I think the reason my dreams just now changed is because I actually became a Christian. I actually have begun understanding the gospel in such a way that I have wept over the existence of sin and pride and shortcomings and had a complete and on fire desire to read the Word. Because of God, my prayer life has quadrupled. It’s like, my favorite thing to do. I’ve come to live like I love Jesus and not just say it. I want to give up my comfort and friends and family and money not because the Bible tells me I have to, but because I want to. My heart has wrapped so immensely around His treasure that the temptations and pain and sinfulness of this world have become trivial and small compared to JESUS! He is so, so good! Nothing else matters! But because of these things- because God has chosen me- I have come to the understanding that the world will hate me if I’m truly living for Him. And I have, for the first time in my life, been living it. If you’re not being persecuted and if you don’t stick out, you’re not doing enough. If the world agrees with everything you say, you are of the world, and not of God. My dreams showed me that I am not of this world. I am not of satan. I am being called to something greater and am finally, finally, realizing what that means and following it. Thank You, God! Thank You for showing me how much I need You and how insufficient I am. Thank You for bringing such joy and excitement to me in following You through the deepest darkness and for allowing me- the least of these- to be a light for You.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. 

John 15:18-21

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

Matthew 5:10

“But before all this, they will seize you and persecute you. They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. And so you will bear testimony to me. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. Everyone will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. Stand firm, and you will win life.

Luke 21:12-19

when the levee breaks

I never write poems... ever. Poetry bores me. But my English class is doing a reading Monday, and I thought it would be an opportunity to talk about God. My professor said most poets start with an idea for the first line and don't know where they're going from there. That's what happened here. For some reason I thought of a drop of water. And here is goes...






It was just a trickle. A drop.

A small sacrifice compared 

to what was being held back.

The man who takes false ownership 

of the water bowing the dam,

fruitlessly trying to control it 

with his concrete, human hands, 

never wants to stop pushing. He thinks 

searching and scrambling and running 

to “save” it all is his job. Selfish doubt blurs 

the fact that it’s not. 

Instead, his earthly portion 

is meant to wash away with 

the water when the Operator 

commands the dam to break. 

A flood is not the man’s to prevent, 

but to allow in good faith. Designed 

to be surrendered, his abilities and 

desires aren’t strong enough 

to stand the rush of millions 

of gallons of water alone.

Whose could be?

So, the wall holder cannot help 

but obey the Operator- 

he ultimately has no choice. 

The dam releases, 

and after being cast by the waves for a while, 

he sees that the floodgates are built of gold 

and left wide open. And over time, 

once the water has all flowed by, 

they serve as an entryway into 

another world- a world comprised 

of new, beautiful, everlasting springs

in which the man was created to swim 

in the first place.

His perfect job, in his place.

And the Operator smiles.

He never wanted to drown 

His faithful worker. 

When it rains, it pours.

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty. 

Malachi 3:10-12

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

Philippians 3:7-9

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

Revelation 21:1-7

My thankful list

GRACE:

With me. My futility. My sin. My lust. My doubt. My weakness. My impatience. My unfaithfulness. My comparison. My discontent. How He lets me have it on others. His unconditional love tied to it. For His glory.

THE SPIRIT: 

Its inexplicable presence. The joy it brings in the worst times. Living in me to pull me to Him. For His glory.

THE WORD: 

Its wisdom. Its truth. Its power. Its width. Its constance. For His glory.

MY FRIENDS: 

Constant inspiration. Accountability partners. Soundboards. Encouragers. Lovers. Challengers. Teachers. Learners. Listeners. God followers and seekers. Prayers. For His glory.

MY FAMILY: 

They love me so much, even when I really don’t deserve it. They forgive me. They provide for me. They test me. They set my standards high and push me. They know God. For His glory.

PRAYER: 

I can always talk to the God of the universe. I have an open door to not only ask of but listen to He Who knows, created, and loves all things with ultimate wisdom. For His glory.

HIS CHURCH: 

The thousands of them. Navs, my church. No, His church. Discipleship. A place to grow deeper, independently and supported. For His glory.

MY PAST: 

Where to begin? Grace displayed. Falling forced me to rise. Mistakes changed everything. God’s wrath celebrated His power, and His goodness revealed His unfailing love. Created my present and future and eternal reliance on Him. Gave me things to teach. For His glory.

MY PRESENT: 

Rejoicing in His presence. Always. Waiting for Heaven. Utilizing limbo, and learning that nothing is limbo. It’s all purposeful. Georgia Tech, my challenger. A sea of opportunities so many will never have. Non-believers to reach and believers to worship with. My starting point. Struggle. Breathing. Faith. Deliberate preparation and growth and change. Giving it all to Him, so slowly but so surely. For His glory.

MY FUTURE: 

He’s always faithful. Seeing the fruit of my sacrifice. Being humbled by knowing His is infinitely greater. Walking with Him. Learning from Him. Being used by Him. Following Him. Trusting Him. For His glory.

HIS PLAN (HOPE): 

Never shaken. Perfect. Caring. Impossible to change. Is the most awesome. Better than mine. Most glorifying to Him. For His glory.

RELATIONSHIP: 

With Him. I can know the Most Holy One. And He knows me. I am His daughter. He is my Father and loves me like it. Patient. Guiding. Loving. Providing. Protecting. Personal. So intimate that He knows every fiber of my being. Both the number of hairs on my head and stars in the sky. Power and gentleness. Thought before I think it, dream, sin, temptation. All-perfect. All-healing. All-knowing. Around, through, in, and over me. Everywhere and everything I am is from and of Him. For His glory.

HIS TEMPLE: 

Health and a desire to keep it. I am a temple of His Spirit. Unharmed by disease or sickness or death. I am alive. He chose me to live. For His glory.

THE WORLD & HIS PEOPLE: 

Beauty. All beauty. Trees, leaves, grass, mountains, waters, beaches, plains, valleys. Animals. Humans. Civilizations, generations, populations, peoples. Leaders and followers. Perfect design. All created to work seamlessly together. Brilliant. For His glory.

BALANCE: 

Seeing good in bad. Appreciating life from death. Seeking peace through confusion. A future better than the past. Seeing Him in it all. For His glory.

HEAVEN: 

Hope. God. Eternity. My greatest desire to serve Him forever, in His presence, bowed before Him in worship and surrender. Nothing held back. The way things should be. Until after the end of time. For His glory.

The fact that none of this is actually mine, but His.

For His glory.

"You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name"

Tonight as I was driving home from the Martin’s house, I felt an irresistible need to pull over and look up at the stars. Living in Atlanta has made me seriously miss the mountain life- clean air, beautiful greenery, hills on the skyline, and a sky clear enough to reveal a blanket of thousands of little white dots above me.

The stars movingly reminded of how little I am, but more importantly of how big God is. All of the little things that pull me up and down and up and down every day, all of the sin and temptation that I constantly battle and become so uncontrollably upset and frustrated with, all of my loss, all of my gain, all of my pride, all of my worry, all of my confusion, all of my regret... is... futile. It barely covers the smallest speck in God’s hand. 

[Romans 8:20-21]

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

God really doesn’t need me for anything. All of the things I choose to fight or give up in His Name (which I’ve done a lot of and struggled plenty with lately) aren’t for HIS GOOD. They’re for HIS GLORY. It seems like I’ve come to this conclusion before, but never so wholly. It’s not like God needs the things I’m giving Him for Himself, whether sacrifice or the pursuit of Him in my life. I cannot boast in seeking His face because God is YAHWEH. He is self-sufficient and I can neither add to nor take form anything Him. He needs my life to further His kingdom on the earth, not to add worth to Who He is. He’s already complete.

[Psalm 50:12]

If I were hungry I would not tell you,
   for the world is mine, and all that is in it.

What’s even more powerful is that He gives me the grace to carry out His will here. I always get so wrapped up in my own little world and all my problems that I tend to forget how eternal and infinite He is. Sometimes I spiral downward into a pit of self-hatred caused by being completely disgusted by my own sinfulness. How can I wrong a God that is so good? That I know and trust truly IS everything? How can I deny that every single day? But I’m drowning in grace. Completely drowning. It feels as if I can’t breathe only because I’m trying to inhale the wrong things. It’s not so much about how sinful I am, but more about how GOOD God is.

[Hebrews 4:16]

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I have been placed here not the be served, but to serve. Disappointment comes from separating my will from God’s, and not solely from God’s decision to take things from me. I thank God for humbling me in a way that teaches me. The stars are millions in number but each serve a purpose, and tonight they fulfilled the purpose of bringing me closer to Him- quietly, softly, lovingly. 

[Mark 10:45]

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

And as I stopped on the side of the road to pray and to gaze, this song came on: 

“Set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain, that I can’t control. I want more of You, God. I want more of You, God. No place I’d rather be than here in Your love, here in Your love.”

Set a Fire by United Pursuit

There is no star that I would rather be on nor any life I’d rather live, because this is the one God created just for me. And He will unfailingly and faithfully reign in righteousness and glory forever.