how nothing taught me everything

Things I’ve been taught or reminded of this summer:

Seeing pride or another flaw in someone else probably means I have it. When I feel slighted by someone and think they’re being self-righteous, that’s usually a red flag that I’m the selfish one that thinks I deserve to be treated well, which is not what the Bible says.

GOD IS ENOUGH. I need no familial peace or daily joy or academic success or loving relationship on this earth to fulfill me.

GOD IS ABLE. Whatever I think can’t happen, God can do. Specifically, getting into a complete and total spiritual rut eventually ends. The light at the end of the tunnel may go out, but it’s always just because there’s a train coming toward you to bring you out of the tunnel.

I should read Scripture to serve God, not just to conquer it. I tried to read the whole Old Testament in 12 short weeks and was proven incapable, but that’s not because I physically or mentally couldn’t have, but because I shouldn’t have. I set for myself a quantitative goal that should’ve been qualitative. It’s not about getting through the awfulness of Leviticus and Numbers, but about finding in it what God wants me to. Now, I’m taking my time and just being sure to read some every day at the pace God tells me to.

God definitely gives gut feelings. Some instincts come straight from the Holy Spirit. If something doesn’t feel 100% right, it probably isn’t.

God will never replace something you have with something worse. Not all change is loss.

Faith has to have an independent component. In being alone so much over the past three months, I’ve had to figure out how to stay motivated in pursuing God without my normal accountability partners, Bible studies, and leaders. God reaches for me always, but I have to reach back.

God is always faithful and always forgiving. I actually learned something from the boring parts of the Old Testament! No matter how many times the Israelites messed up and worshiped false Gods (which was a lot), God kept saving them. I mess up my priorities all the time, but I am always God’s priority.

I may be the only Bible some people ever see. Heavy, right? That scared me when I first heard someone say it. I’m not supposed to act like Jesus just for Jesus’ sake.

People’s behaviors in the past will always determine what they do in their futures. I especially apply this to boys. I believe in giving second chances, but I do not believe in putting my hope in unrealistic expectations I have in people who don’t care half as much about me as they do themselves. Paths trump promises.

The greatest blessing is Jesus, not His fruit. In leading a small group of middle school girls at a DiscipleNow a few weeks ago, I asked them why they were Christians. They answered with things such as, “I want to go to Heaven,” and, “God does good things for me.” I should thank God for everything He does for me, but much more for sending His Son. It’s about knowing God, not just seeing Him. 

Sometimes sacrifices are shields. In taking a year off dating, I am constantly seeing how the time I’ve dedicated to not worrying about guys is keeping me from falling to the temptation they present me with.

In pain, God is glorified because His wrath is displayed. Bad things aren’t God not working, but another part of His power being shown.

Expect and prepare for satan to tell you you can’t do something. As Louie Giglio put it: “Expect ‘you can’t.’ Prepare for ‘you won’t.” Count on ‘God is able.” Satan knows my weaknesses just like God does.

Am I who the person I’m looking for is looking for? I highly recommend Andy Stanley’s “ The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating” series to anyone!

Loving someone is a choice, not just a feeling. Relationships based on chemistry never, ever work. Chemistry can’t fix problems.

Jesus turns the worst into the best and takes the rest from the last. He can do anything with nothing or a rotten something. I will not let my guilt rule me.

Sometimes you don’t realize God is all you need until He is all you have. “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” -John Piper

Why try to get security from people who don’t have any to spare? People aren’t our problem- it’s what we’re trying to get from them that messes us up, especially in relationships.

Satan has more to gain from our setbacks than from the initial fall that causes them. God works in how we react to our circumstances.

Time tells. God heals. It’s been over a year, and healing has not come from any person, I can guarantee that. It comes from realizing the grace God has on you and being able to give it to other people... and yourself.

Don’t confuse 80% reciprocation with 100% rejection. I have to be more secure than that.

Part of guarding your heart is knowing when not to ask questions. Sure, I want to be involved. I want to know what they think and all about their problems. But there’s a point where it’s much healthier to stay out of it.

Telling someone they’re wrong doesn’t inspire them to do right. Our mission is not to set people straight, but to bring people to Christ.

Strength always results in love. Humility, silence, and grace are a million times harder than displaying anger or arguing or yelling. Christianity is... hard.

unmerited grace

Daily I find myself speaking sweetly to and having patience with people who don’t deserve it from me a bit. I am torn down, judged, taken advantage of, cheated, and unreasonably yelled at all the time. I witness arguments between people I love and don’t join in to voice my sometimes harsh opinion. I see those same people say stupid things to each other and make ridiculous decisions, and I step back as I realize it isn’t my place to fix them, but God’s. Not to mention there’s a reason I’m taking a year off of dating. Hurting sucks. Sometimes I think I can feel satan riding on my shoulders and on my sense of self-worth. There are days where I feel attacked from every angle, and after facing an oppressor with grace I often quietly cry. Right after I get past a stressful moment with them my jaw drops at how I managed to keep my cool. 

But I can't accredit myself with that ability at all. I know what God’s presence feels like and I’ve never so uncontrollably felt Him speaking for me as I do in every situation I’ve let Him into that needs grace (well, every situation needs grace). It’s like His words are coming out of my mouth. He speaks with love and kindness. The humility with which He confronts every moment is unbelievable and only achievable if He is doing it for you. I’ve come to the realization that God will give you peace in your anger if you are willing to stifle your pride enough to let it blanket your frustrations, but more than anything else lately, I’ve learned that you can only truly have grace on other people when you realize how much grace God has with you. I’ve been reading the Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus says this at one point-- they are known as the Beatitudes:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
   for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
   for they will be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful,
   for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
   for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
   for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Matthew 5:3-12

I’ve messed up... a lot. I’ve covered some of this in a post before, but let me reassure you that I’ve sinned in almost any department you can think of. I still struggle with the shame of some of it so much that not one of my friends knows about it. Past sin is not something easy for me to talk about. But the beautiful thing is that Christ forgave me. God forgave me. My all-deserving and incredible Creator Who also made all the Heavens and all the earth and is entitled to nothing short of all I have-- all the universe has-- loves me no less than He did the day He thought to make me. He holds no list against me, keeps no record of my wrongs, and has given me the opportunity to be free from every piece of guilt that moments of falling to temptation have burned into my heart. Christ took the black tar of my sin onto Himself so that I may be clean enough to know God, and:

“...as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our sins from us.” Psalm 103:12

I know that I need that grace, and I know that I could not live without it. That’s exactly why I have grace with other people, why God supplies me with one hundred percent of it, and why He has given me so much reason lately to use it as a giant shield-- because He is a God of GRACE. Of undeserving forgiveness. Of trusting patience. Of bite-your-tongue humility. If we want to be like Jesus, which is what He calls us to be, we have to: 

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

So I will continue to accept feeling run over, find strength in it, see God’s glory in it, and know that God has planned a life for every person that makes me feel that way with the same love that He has for me. There is a time to stand up for yourself with an attitude of genuine concern and love for your persecutor, but I also believe that God calls us to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, not in earthy approval or earthly peace. We have been instructed by God to be His shining lights to the world, and a Godly lamp does not give off a hot-tempered glow that reflects its own terribly wrong feelings that it deserves anything at all, including grace, kindness, or fairness.


“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.‘ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” Matthew 5:38-42