I didn’t start writing this post with a plan worth much of anything. I am literally thinking of each sentence as I go, and I'm tired, so get ready for a little scatterbrained-ness. But I felt like God was calling me to just start writing, so I obeyed. I thought I would usually use this blog to publicly journal the phases I go through where I am studying one main thing at a time that I want to talk about, or just to update people on my life. But here I am, in quite a spiritual slump. I’ve come to the realization that I really take advantage of being surrounded by so many positive influences when I’m at Tech during the year. I have accountability partners coming out of my ears there, and have somehow let them become a cushion in my life. There’s always someone to encourage me, someone to keep me on my toes, someone to ask me questions, someone to quiz me on scripture, someone to worship with, someone to learn from, and someone to just check up on me. Now that I’m home, though, I spend about half of my days with friends or family, and the other half alone. I really, seriously love my me time- cleaning and cooking and strumming and watching and reading all by myself, often in silence- but boredom has finally begun finding its way into my every day. Most people would consider it sad. I am an only child and my parents work from about 7:30am-5:30pm every day. I have no car, and no plans. I’ve resorted to going to the gym or running some, learning an excessive amount of songs on my guitar, watching too much Say Yes To The Dress (daytime TV is addictive!), reading a Beth Moore book, and, by the grace of God, reading my Bible. I’m trying to finish the Old Testament this summer, and it’s proving to be a serious challenge. I just pushed through Leviticus and Numbers, and am getting well into Deuteronomy now.
I guess you could say the general theme for all I’m rambling about is figuring out what my motives are behind my faith. For once, I’ve been learning the most about God in my alone time with Him. In the past, I feel like God has revealed most things to me in group settings, whether it be in a Bible study, a conference, or in hearing a talk. Even though I am a proven introvert, I seem to get most of the energy I use in pursuing my faith from the outside world, which I think makes perfect sense because of how much time I spend with Christians. Now that I have so much more alone time, though, I am seriously wrestling with seeking God alone only and without anyone focusing on encouraging me to do so. The whole thing is almost awkward. I can feel God pulling at me to stay close, in His word, and in prayer, but I can’t feel Him pulling on anyone else. (But I’m definitely not complaining. I mean, I have a God that’s telling me He wants me.)
This idea of figuring out the most incomprehensible thing ever by myself isn’t totally new to me, though. I mean, I’m a true Nav! I’ve had my fair share of quiet times and one-on-ones with God. The difference is in basically having to live a different life, too. Coming home digs up a whole ton of memories, both good and bad. It reteaches me how to deal with certain people, how to go without others, and Europe rocked my world with how mature it made me feel and the responsibilities it let me have and explore. When I’m not at school, I don’t have a schedule, I actually have to communicate with my parents, and much of my freedom is gone. On top of that, a few other things seem to have gone so wrong or are headed in that direction. How am I supposed to deal with all this change on top of losing a constant surrounding of accountability partners? My normal consistency deserves to have been shaken up a little bit. I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of my identity, to be completely honest.
And now for the studying part instead of just venting... What does God have to tell me about this? (This is my favorite part about writing a blog. It makes me look stuff up.) In John 16, Jesus is talking to His disciples about them leaving him to be alone. Jesus says that He isn’t alone because God is with Him. The disciples have peace in their hearts because God has overcome the world.
“But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:32-33
I, like Jesus, am most certainly not alone in this fight for holiness. How could I be alone if God is there? On top of that, God has overcome my world- my boredom, my stress, my anger, my sadness, my change. I WILL have trouble, but I can’t be afraid that I’m too weak to bother trying to grow on my own this summer. I may be discouraged in the slowing of the “spiritual high” I was on for so many months, but God isn’t. I know He wants in, but my independent faith is what has to invite him. If I give up and don’t push through the difficulty of what can sometimes be a stale and seemingly unproductive pursuit of righteousness, I’m doing absolutely nothing but hurting myself.
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." Revelation 3:20
